i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
