If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
