im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
