You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
