I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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