I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
