This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I FOUND THE LEGS
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
