Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
