i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
