No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
