I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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