you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
