I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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