Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
