Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
