He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
