did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
