you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
