i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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