we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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