i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
