maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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