i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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