I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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