I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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