I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize