I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
