just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
