You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
