i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
