if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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