Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
