At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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