never play flip cup with pint glasses
he thought i was a dude.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
