Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
