My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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