It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
