Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
