Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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