I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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