I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
