Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
