I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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