I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
