I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
