Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
