he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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