He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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