you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
