Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
