i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We're using joints as your birthday candles
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize