Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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