Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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