I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
