He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
