Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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