If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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