He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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