True but thats because hes a fetus.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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